I never have any money to go out to fast food places. I do (or rather did) order in pizza a lot. I had a lot of great discount codes for Papa Johns and Dominos! I got a lot of free ones! But I hardly ever ate out at restaurants or fast food places. I just didn't have the money for things like that.
On top of not having the money, I am severely depressed. I say that in the present tense because it's still an ongoing issue for me. I am diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Anxiety, and Social Phobia. I am also currently unmedicated for all of it, because I hated how the meds made me feel.
Most people think that you get morbidly obese from emotional eating. And yes that is true for a lot of people. I'm not one of them though. I'm the opposite of that. When I'm going through a bipolar swing, or when I'm severely depressed, or when my anxiety is through the roof....I quit eating. Which is just as bad as overeating because it messes with your metabolism. With having hypothyroidism, not eating is a bad thing, because your metabolism is doubly screwed. My body was holding on to every single calorie I put into my body and storing it.
I would seriously go three or four days without eating a single thing. Wouldn't even occur to me to eat because I just had no appetite. I had friends saying "Did you eat today?" and I honestly couldn't remember if I had or not. Once I did eat, I would over stuff myself with all the wrong things. Pizza, mac-n-cheese, and ice cream were my top meals during those times. I used to be able to eat an entire extra large pizza in one sitting. And usually an entire carton of ice cream on top of it. Mainly because by the time it occurred to me to eat, I was ravenous.
I also have a spinal cord injury. In 1995 I fell at my mom's house, and dislocated 3 of my lumbar vertebrae. These bones sat pressed against my spinal cord for 6 years before I was finally able to have surgery. My regular doctor kept insisting it was just arthritis from being so obese. It wasnt until I finally forced him to send me for an MRI when I was losing bowel control and falling down steps all the time that a neurosurgeon was brought in. I was told then that I had to have surgery immediately because I had spinal fluid leaking all over the place, which is an emergency situation from the way I understood it. I had a "double" fusion which is where they crush up the vertebrae that they take out and wrap it around the screws and pins to give better stability. I then spent 3 weeks in a rehab hospital re-learning how to walk and get strength in my legs and back again.
All of this caused me not to be very mobile for years. Walking even a short distance left me in so much pain for days afterwards that it just wasn't worth it to me. I stayed home, except for when I absolutely had to go to the store. I basically shut myself off from the world. And my weight continued to balloon.
By 2011, I was 450 pounds, and absolutely miserable. Both physically and mentally. My deep depression and bipolar was wrecking me. My physical issues were wrecking me. I had a bad breakup with a guy I was living with at the time. I was still seriously grieving from my moms death in 1999. I pretty much gave up. I locked myself away from the world and didn't really care if I lived or died by then. I was ordering in for pizza every single day. I don't drive anymore and I lived outside of town so it was just easier for me to order in rather then try to find someone to drive me to the store. It also allowed me to stay hidden away from the world.
One day though, I finally had enough. I had two small grandsons by then. It was difficult for me to hold them or to even play with them. I was missing out on their lives. I was sickened by what I had become and decided I was going to take charge of my life again.
I started out by cutting out Coke and Pepsi. I tried switching to diet, but the aspartame gave me such horrific migraines I decided it wasnt worth it. I switched to flavored water and green tea. That step all on its own helped me to lose 50 pounds! I was truly shocked by that.
Then I started cutting out all the cheese. Because I was putting cheese on every single thing that came in the door.
I cut back on how often I ordered out because I found an organization that would arrange for a ride for me. I became very good friends with the lady who drove me, and she's become like a second mom to me. She still takes me to appointments and for groceries when I need to. But I was going out in the world. I was buying groceries again. Not always the best stuff because I had very little money being on disability. I do get a very small amount in food stamps ($98/month) but that doesn't go very far. So I was still buying pasta and frozen pizza and ice cream.
My weight went up and down for years. I'd get discouraged, or I'd get sick of doing all the work, and I'd go back to my old eating habits. Then I'd pick myself up, dust myself off, and start again.
At one point, a few years ago, I ended up with a rectal fistula. I had gone to so many surgeons to try to get the damn thing fixed. Two of those surgeons were only interested in fat shaming me while I was in their office. It pissed me off so bad to deal with that. I KNOW IM OBESE! You don't have to tell me! The one surgeon at Hershey Medical Center was the worst. He was so bad I actually filed a complaint about him to the hospital. It was dealt with immediately and I was assigned a new surgeon who was amazing.
The surgeon I had to file a complaint for, once in his office, he actually said to me "We don't have tables that will accomodate someone your size." I was utterly floored by this. There were a lot of people out there who were heavier and bigger then I was. I had lost 75 pounds by that time, and was really proud of myself but he just made it seem like that wasn't good enough and because I was so fat he wasn't able to do his job properly.
The surgeries on my butt were bad enough. I always had to have home health nurses come in to take care of them afterwords. Clean them and put new dressings and things on. This went on for three long miserable years before I finally got that really amazing surgeon at Hershey. During this time though, I found it was really difficult to get around. For example, I'd lay on my side on my bed so the nurse could do what she needed to do, and it was difficult for her to do those things. But for me, trying to get back up out of bed, I always ended up feeling like a turtle stuck on its shell, legs and arms waving to get the propulsion needed to get up. I hated feeling that way! It was embarrassing not to mention painful.
Thats when I decided....ok I need a panniculectomy. Thats where they remove the apron of your stomach through plastic surgery. My doctor was on board with it, and I went through all the steps I needed to get that but was denied because my BMI was over 40. It was something like 70 or 75, I can't remember. They said I'd have to lose weight, either through diet and exercise or through bariatric surgery and get my BMI down to 40 before they would even consider doing it.
My belly hangs down to my knees, literally. It did even before losing weight. This causes many, many, many yeast and fungal infections under it. Which are extremely painful. No matter how clean or how dry I kept it, I was getting these infections under my belly. When I would sit, my belly would hang between my legs, keeping my legs spread open, which was causing bursitis in my hips. Again, very painful. Sciatic pain would keep flaring up every couple of weeks so I was on prednisone quite often. It was just an endless cycle of pain and infection.
I had enough! I weighed 450 pounds at my heaviest. I decided to call the bariatric surgeon and see what I needed to do. I was told I had to go through 6 months of nutritional classes as well as a cardiology, pulmonology, and psychology evaluations. So I did it. I started going to the classes. And let me tell you, I was so resistant and was so angry at how much I had to give up. How much I had to change my life. I got so resentful, and every time I came home from one of those classes, I was just sobbing my heart out. I didn't think I could do it.
Most people think that having bariatric surgery is the easy way out. Let me tell you something, its NOT! It's hard as hell. When you've lived a certain way all your life, and suddenly you have to totally change everything about how you think about food in a 6 month period of time, its hard. It's hard to let go of the foods you love. It's hard to stop thinking of "live to eat" and change that to "eat to live". And if you think a 10 day clear liquid diet before the surgery is easy....then more power to you. It's hard as hell! Then after surgery, you're on clear liquids for another 10 days. Thats 20 days of no food! Do you think thats easy???? Then you get to switch to full liquids. For 10 days. Thats 30 days with no food. 30 days!!! Finally you get to switch over to soft foods, like puddings, etc. And your belly is like WTF ARE YOU DOING???? And usually tries to rebel. You can fit approximately 2 OUNCES of food into your new belly at this point. Let me tell you, some days, even 2 ounces was too much. I'm still struggling with this to be honest.
My surgery was on June 19, 2017. I had the gastric sleeve surgery. This is where they cut out 1/2 to 3/4 of your stomach, staple the rest back up, and send you on your way. The surgeon found that I have an umbilical hernia but because it was filled with fat, and not intestines, he left it alone for the time being. On the date of my surgery I weighed 370 pounds.
A couple weeks after surgery I ended up in the emergency room with severe abdominal pain. They did a CT scan and decided that it was my hernia, but again, it was filled with fat, not intestines, so I was sent home. Apparently fat has a blood supply, which I did not know! Learn something new every day. But the fat can get twisted inside that hernia and cut off the blood supply, killing the fat. Yay right? Wrong! Its PAINFUL!!! So painful that I was unable to walk upright. I had to walk bent over and holding my stomach and even that was so painful I didn't do that much. Going back and forth to the bathroom, that was about it. After a week and a half of that severe pain, it finally went away and I started to feel really good.
As of the other morning, I'm down 58 pounds since the surgery. I currently weigh 312 pounds. In all honesty I don't remember the last time I weighed this amount. Possibly before I got married in 1999???
PLEASE NOTE: NO PICS ON MY PAGE MAY BE USED WITHOUT MY WRITTEN CONSENT!!! I WILL PURSUE LEGAL AVENUES IF I FIND THAT THEY HAVE BEEN USED FOR ANYTHING!
Sad that I have to clarify that. I've heard of companies taking pics like mine and using them to promote their garbage weight loss remedies.
Anyway....thats me now. 312 pounds, and feeling so freaking proud of how far I've come. I actually have hope for my future. I am feeling so much better physically. I no longer feel like a turtle stuck on its back flailing my arms and legs to get up out of bed. I can get up like a normal person. The only pain I have constantly is my tail bone. I've lost so much of my butt that now I can feel my tailbone when I'm sitting and it hurts!!! I am walking more. And further each time I go. I'm not so out of breath. Even my CPAP has been turned down from a pressure of 10 to 8. I have set goals for myself, and rewards for hitting each of those goals.
I will be continuing on this journey of mine for a lifetime. And I'll continue to post updates and photos here. I hope to inspire others that they can do it to!
